My Journey with Grief and Mental Health
- by Chamela Martinez
On a hot summer day, my world changed completely. The person who brought me to this world died. One moment she was alive, smiling and living and the next she was no longer reachable by a phone call or airplane ride. The grief that came over me turned my world upside down, painting it black. Sometimes, through the cracks, light shines brightly warming me up inside. There are moments of hope even though it is fleeting.
Riding the waves of grief is like climbing a mountain but never making it to the top as you keep falling over and over. There are times when I feel hopeless, mad, and completely lost. No one prepared me for this heavy pain that revisits me over and over. The pain of losing a loved one is indescribable and it consumes you.
Being in my mid-twenties, born in Dominican Republic, and living in New York City adds layers to my complex grief. Having family overseas and the responsibility of caring for my sister, who I did not grow up with, gave me strength. Taking care of someone else gave me a reason to keep going even on the darkest days.
There have been moments where I wished reality was not real, wished to be dead rather than alive, to be with my mom instead of feeling so lost without her. The weight of these emotions many times was unbearable.
Mental health is a topic that is often stigmatized within the BIPOC communities and as an Afro-Latina discussing mental health can give off that “I can’t keep it together” or that I’m “going crazy”. There is a cultural expectation to be strong, to endure, and to keep personal struggles private. This cultural narrative makes it difficult to acknowledge the depth of my pain and the space to share it freely.
I find myself often overwhelmed by the pressure to create a stable future for myself and support my family, especially when they are overseas. The responsibility of caring for my sister has been a source of strength but also a heavy burden. It has strengthened my resilience and shown me the importance of a support system but also remind me the importance of also putting my mental health as a priority.
Grief in this city can also feel lonely. This city is filled with lots of people and noise. Many only look out for themselves and nobody notices the girl crying the entire bus ride till work having to breathe and hold their tears back to start the day because life goes on and the world doesn’t stop because your mother just died. The feeling of isolation and misunderstanding brings a lot of hopelessness.
Putting my mental health first while grieving is not just important, it is essential. Grief is very overwhelming, and it affects us emotionally, physically and mentally. Ignoring my mental health while facing loss, taking on new responsibilities, and making decisions that as a young adult you never expected hinders my ability to heal. When I don’t neglect my well-being, I can think more clearly, eat well, and take steps forward even if it feels so small or like I am starting all over again. Taking care of my mental health allows me to process my emotions, understand the pain, and work towards being emotionally and mentally stable to live a life my mother would be proud of and someone my siblings can look after.
Through my journey in grief, I have found that having an individual or a group who you can talk to about your raw feelings and thoughts has been key for me. I find myself in community with those who unfortunately get to be part of the grief club. The support that you get comes with love and no judgement. When we seek support, it is not weakness but strength. In community you can be understood, uplift each other, and find strength in the shared experience of the grief journey.
I leave you with this quote which I hope brings you some comfort and remember that in between each wave there is life.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
– Vicki Harrison
Chamela Martinez is the Digital Outreach Specialist at Violence Intervention Program. She is Afro-Latina and Dominican. She has earned her bachelor’s degree in Sociology and International Studies from The City College of New York.
Image Credits:
Natalia Gallego Sánchez, Gleo (1992), Colombian artist, Detail, Mural in Kiruna, Sweden (2022)
One Response
This was a bittersweet read for me. I’m touched by how open you are with what grief has been like for you while the world continues to move forward. I like the anecdote of grief as an ocean. I’ve seen it more as a rollercoaster with its ups, flats, and downs, in no particular order. Your words serve as a reminder that mental health is just as important as physical health, and should not be ignored.