When I was a little girl, I loved playing with my baby dolls and pretend they were my children. I was like many little girls that would dress them up and take them out for a walk in my toy stroller. As far back as I could remember, I have always wanted to be a mother, a nurturer, a caretaker. My journey into becoming a mother is one of innate desire and choice that began in my early 20’s.  When I was 22, I made the choice to abort my first pregnancy. The decision to terminate my first pregnancy was full of feelings of pain, shame, doubt and guilt and yet deep inside I knew I was making the best choice for me at that moment. In hindsight, I know I was able to make that choice because I grew up with a true warrior woman, my biggest role model and supporter, my mother, Maria Majano.  I grew up with a mother that talked to me about choices, when I was old enough she talked to me about pregnancy, the beauty and hardship of raising children, and most importantly I witnessed her raising 4 children as a single, immigrant mother.  I saw her struggles and sacrifices and felt her unconditional love and joy. When I made the decision to terminate my first pregnancy I remembered my mother’s sage wisdom, “remember, if you every get pregnant at a young age, I will support you and help you take care of the child but I always want you to remember that you have a choice, it is always up to you what you want to do with your life.” Her words, presence, tenderness, support and love were the medicine and strength that carried me through in making one of the hardest decisions in my life.

Years later, at the age of 35, I was able to receive the gift of motherhood. I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, little girl, our Valentina Capri Salinas, she was born 7 lbs. 7 ozs. on February 2^nd, 2016. She’s been our guiding light ever since. I realize now that experiencing fear, pain, uncertainty, struggle, frustration, irritability, tiredness, shame and guilt on my journey into motherhood has made me the person I am today. Today, I embody more presence, kindness, support, grace. vulnerability, joy and love, for myself, Valentina, my husband, Pablo and all those that I nurture and nurture me. What a gift it is to become a mother by choice.

Katia Amaya-Salinas, LMSW (she/her/ella), is a bilingual Salvadoran social worker based in NYC with over 10 years of experience supporting immigrant and BIPOC communities. She is the Director of Specialized Programs at the Violence Intervention Program and specializes in trauma-informed care for children and families impacted by violence. Katia is also a clinical supervisor and SIFI instructor, committed to anti-oppressive, anti-racist, and healing-centered practices.

Image Credit: Ternura, 1978. Oswaldo Guayasamín (Ecuador, 1919-1999)