I always thought that the dating violence I saw around me I wouldn’t experience, but I was wrong. When I was little, before I was eight years old, I was always around my older sister and I didn’t pay attention to what was going on around me. I don’t remember Dad’s yelling at Mom, I don’t remember Mom’s tears, I don’t remember family laughter. The only thing that lives in my memory is always being by my sister’s side, even when Mom had to run away from Dad.  

When Mom returned we no longer lived together as the family we once were. I was 9 years old and my mind did not understand why we were going to see a lawyer, he told me it was to see which of my parents would have custody of their three daughters. In my mind I was thinking custody? I just want my parents to be together.  When the lawyer appointments were over, I would visit Dad’s house on the weekends. It was living two different lives, having clothes in two different houses, having privacy in one and not in the other. At first my two sisters and I would visit, but then it was just the two of us. Then my second sister would become mom. 

As time went by, everything was changing, everyone had their own priorities, and I felt lost and confused. I remember that my mother always told me, “Don’t let a man raise his voice or hit you.” At that time she had already received VIP services and I saw her more free than ever. In her outreaches as a Promotora, always taking us along, I saw how she saw herself in other women who asked what VIP was. My mom, very confident, would talk about the services they were offering at the time, but she would also explain that abuse is not just physical, that there are other abuses as well; emotional, financial, digital, mental, verbal, and sexual. Without Mom knowing it, I was going through abuse but I was too embarrassed to tell her.  

First, I was too young to have a boyfriend. Second, he was older than me. We met when a friend introduced me to him as her cousin. When the friendship started everything was very nice, regardless of our age difference he listened to me. I felt that no one loved me, I blamed myself for many things and he was there, listening to me every moment I felt lost at home. It was the first time I had the feeling that someone cared about me; whether I am well, if I slept well, if I ate, if I had done my homework, how was my relationship with my family. Just as I felt lost at home, I felt the same way at school. In the previous years, I used to skip school because I was bullied for being chubby, among other things. And he would listen to me, let me talk, even cry with him. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I was excited and said yes.  

At the beginning of our relationship, everything was the same, he cared about me. We usually saw each other on Fridays because we both got off early. He treated me very nicely, and for the first time, I felt that someone would never separate from me. But little by little he stopped listening to me and being affectionate. He, because of other friends, found a life of drugs and alcohol. When it was Friday he would no longer go out with me, he would go out with his friends and I already knew that meant that weekend he was going to drink until Monday. 

He became more and more controlling, if I went out I had to send him my location, tell him who I was with, and if he called me and I didn’t answer he would keep doing it until I answered. Still not satisfied with that, he wanted me to wear headphones so he could listen to my conversations with everyone around me, no matter if I was at school or out with my family. He had access to my social media, who I was talking to and everything. When he knew I was angry, he would shower me with gifts; a few flowers, chocolates, a speaker, headphones, or money. It was to make me happy, but our reconciliations were short-lived. 

There was a moment when I was tired of the same thing, of living in fear that he would get angry, and I exploded. He had gone to the extreme of deciding my friends. Because of his exaggerated jealousy, I had to stop talking to my best friend of years. It hurt me to do that because I considered that friend the brother I never had. 

Not long after I checked his iPad and noticed he was texting someone else, when confronted he blamed me. He said that if I had been more attentive, more of a “woman”, he wouldn’t be looking for someone else. It was at that moment that I understood that our relationship was not healthy, that it had no future. I remembered how my mother had to leave everything behind in order to be free, including her two older daughters. I took courage and simply sent him a text saying “Goodbye” and blocked him from all my social networks. He never reached out to me. I understood that what we had was simply habit. I didn’t cry, as I had cried a lot in the whole relationship. 

Reflecting on what I went through seven years ago, I would tell young people that it is okay to have relationships, whether friendly or loving, as long as they are healthy. Thanks to my mom being at VIP I learned that what was happening to me was a different type of abuse. Despite having the resources, I still went through partner abuse.   

Don’t be afraid to talk to a trusted adult to tell them that you are not well, and it’s okay not to be. Being young is not the end of the world, on the contrary, something better always comes along.  

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Priscila Galindo, has been working for several years as a volunteer Promotora for the Violence Intervention Program, distributing information and educating the Latino community about domestic and sexual violence. She is also currently studying Social Work at Hostos Community College. 

Image Credits: Natalia Gallego Sánchez, Gleo (1992), Colombian artist, Detail, “Inner World” Mural in Charlotte, NC (2019)