Surviving and Thriving: An Immigrant’s Journey to a Life Free from Violence
- by Matilde Solano, Promotora VIP
I was born in a town in Sierra Norte de Puebla and grew up in a family that has always experienced violence. All the time I saw my dad mistreating my mom. My dad is an alcoholic and was always like that. I grew up self-conscious , afraid, and isolated. I wanted to be invisible, for no one to see me. That was the fear my dad provoked in me. I would cry when the sun went down, because I knew he would come back to the house.
I yearned to grow up and leave. One day they said to me, “Do you want to come here?” So I saw a light and said, “I’m leaving.” That is how I escaped and came to this country.
When I came here at the age of 19, I felt free. It was a relief to come home and know that I wasn’t going to be waiting for my dad to come, praying that the day wouldn’t end. Seeing myself free, I felt a break. My dad was very strict; he never let us have a boyfriend. Here, feeling free, I met a person who spoke nicely to me, was kind and treated me well. I started dating that person. However, when I arrived here and did not know the language or how things worked, it was very difficult for me to get a job and circumstances led me to depend on him. He proposed that we get together as a couple. At first, I hesitated, but eventually I moved in with him. Never did I imagine what I was getting myself into.
A month after we started living together I realized that this person became someone I didn’t know. He would leave me locked in the house because he would take the keys with him and if I went out, I couldn’t go back in. I didn’t have any money to go out, and out of shame I didn’t want to go back to my brother. I thought: “How am I going to tell him to support me?
I was coming from a troubled family and had very low self-esteem, so he saw that I was easy to dominate. Little by little I lost myself. The insults and humiliations became daily. He forbade me everything, I couldn’t even talk to his cousins. He told me that I wanted to hang out with them, that I was a prostitute, and that he was going to go with other women. Time went by and everything was getting much worse. I completely lost myself.
In a short time, I became pregnant and was hopeful that he would change. But his reaction was discouraging. He asked me if I wanted to abort or have it, and said, “It’s fine with me, whatever you decide.” He was not thrilled. Things didn’t get better after my first child was born; on the contrary, they got worse. The humiliation intensified. He would tell me that I was fat, that my appearance was not pleasant, and that he would not go out with me. He would compare me to other women, saying he was going out with them because they were better than me. He was always focused on his looks and never got involved with our children. He never played with them.
I was very isolated. He made me feel like I was worthless and that I was sick. There were never physical punches, but there was always an implied threat. His fist would pass close to my face as an attempt to put fear into me. Little by little, I became trapped. I couldn’t use birth control pills because that was grounds for a fight. It was all yelling and humiliation.
One day, he started dating someone else and wanted to have me and his new partner. It was at that moment that I woke up. He threatened to take my children, and that’s what made me react. We argued, and I told him that if he came into the house, I would call the police and when the police arrived, he was gone. I was advised to go to court and ask for custody of the children. I had several court dates, during which he accused me of being a sick person and of being unfit to have my children. I felt helpless.
Through court, I was referred to several programs including VIP. I called VIP to seek help. I remember my counselor, Silvia Nájera, telling me “You are going to cry, but it will help you heal”. At first, I saw her as a tough person, but that strengthened me. She taught me to be self-sufficient, to value myself, and to understand that I deserved more.
I am grateful for everything I experienced because it helped me get out of that relationship. It took years, but I finally managed to break the bubble. Today I am a new, transformed, independent and self-sufficient woman and I am proud to have raised my children well, despite the difficulties.
Now, I live free of toxic relationships. I can express what I feel without fear. I own my body and my thoughts. I am happy with my transformation and enjoy having emotional peace of mind. Before, living in fear was not living. My family never realized what was going on; I was afraid to speak up. But, after everything, I managed to break the silence.
For those of you who are going through this process, I tell you that time goes by and you don’t even realize when you are already out. Don’t give up and keep fighting. There is help and there are many resources and people willing to give support. You have to draw strength from within yourself to be able to get out. I understand and I know it is hard, but it is not impossible. Things pass; get help and keep moving forward.
For those of you who have not experienced domestic violence, I ask you to be more empathetic to those who experience it.
Matilde Solano, originally from the Sierra Norte of Puebla, Mexico, is a prominent leader and community outreach Promotora with the Violence Intervention Program’s Community Engagement. In her role as a Promotora, she works directly with New York City’s Latino community, engaging in conversations about the dangers of domestic and sexual violence and distributing educational materials to raise awareness. Matilde lives in New York City with her three children.
Image Credit:
Festival de las Flores: Fiesta de Santa Anita,1931. Diego Rivera (México, 1886-1957)
One Response
This inspiring testimony shows the extraordinary strength it takes to not just escape violence, but to rebuild a life of safety, dignity, and hope. It’s a celebration of resilience and a beacon for others facing similar battles.